A Peek at the Pantons: February 2011

Let me preface this post by saying that I honestly never pictured myself as a "keeper of the home" or "stay at home mom". All my life I've wanted to teach and knew that I was going to do that even with kids. However, when the Lord saved me, He changed my desires. Instead of desiring to be this amazing teacher (teacher of the year) I quickly desired to be a momma. Though I had the desire, I stayed on birth control for another year or so. That is until Josh and I saw the movie Expelled. During this movie we learned the purpose for birth control and why it was made accessible (check out the movie for the details). So we decided that it was best to rely on the Lord and throw out the birth control. The amazing part about that is that Josh was working at the time. However, 6 months later he lost his job. Did we immediately start preventing pregnancy? No! We actually believed that the Lord would provide no matter what...even if I got pregnant while he was out of work. Not that it was easy to trust and rely on the Lord, but He did prove faithful and continues to do so! Josh was out of work for 11 months and there were many moments I worried about getting pregnant, but didn't. When Josh got his job I was relieved and then amazed a month later to find out that we were expecting! The Lord's timing is perfect and even though I was shocked at first, we were blessed to know we were going to have a child. After all, the bible says children are a blessing and blessed is the man who's quiver is full. Now onto the keeper of the home part...
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my role as a wife and mother. Honestly, it's hard for me to dwell on, because I often find myself feeling like I should be working to provide for my family. I think it stems from the fact that the first 4 years of our marriage I taught full time and was the major breadwinner for our family. I tend to have a type A personality...okay I do, I really do. I like to be in control of things. This can be good at times, but also a stumbling block for me. Josh, on the other hand, has a type B personality. For me to quit teaching and stay at home, I've had to back off the type A and welcome type B. Josh has had to obviously do the opposite. I have to learn to rely, not only on the Lord, but my husband to provide for us. This is new for me. I'm so used to being the provider or at least a major contributor. As hard as I thought this would be for me, I've actually found it freeing. Giving over the control of our finances to my husband has given me a sense of peace and relief. Allowing him to provide for our family and lead, and stepping back to support/respect and encourage him has ironically given me the greatest freedom. I know that it is because I'm doing the Lord's will. As much as the world says I need to work to provide all these material things for my family, I know that if I have the means to be at home that it is exactly where I'm meant to be. I want to teach Emslee myself and I want to live by my convictions.
I must admit, though, before I had her I thought being at home with Emslee was going to be so easy and I'd have so much free time! Let's just say teaching a room full of 1st graders is way easier than taking care of her lol! I've quickly realized how selfish I am, by having to put aside my needs/wants, to fulfill hers. No matter how many cold meals, missed meals, extremely short showers, never-ending loads of laundry, etc. etc. etc., taking care of Emslee will always be worth it! She is my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for anything!!!